No one ever told me happiness is a fruitless pursuit.
In my younger years if you asked me what I wanted out of life, happiness would have topped the charts. I used to think that a good life meant you were doing things that made you happy every day, that a relationship’s main purpose was to make each individual happy and that if any situation made you unhappy, you should leave it.
No one ever told me happiness is a fruitless pursuit.
This hasn’t been a comfortable realisation.
When we constantly chase happiness we give up too easily on things that are worthwhile, that may feel hard, painful, frustrating, and like we are spinning our wheels at times. But with determination and the big picture in mind, more often than not, these are the things that are worthwhile. No one ever created anything masterful by just chasing happiness. If you ask any business owner, athlete, parent, or artist if their road to greatness was a happy one, chances are they will say that the peaks and troughs of the journey were worth it, and that the blood sweat and tears along the way were necessary.
You can turn on any podcast about entrepreneurship, biohacking, human optimisation or self help and hear the words that discipline and hard work are necessary for a successful life. But more often than not, the assumption is that success is predicated on happiness. This is a fallacy that is affecting us more than we may think. Our culture has primed us to want cheap thrills of happiness. We chase dopamine hits through social media, over consumption, and material possessions. But the truth is, no one can live in a permanent state of happiness. And yet we herald it as the ultimate goal of life. Why are we not putting responsibility, purpose, fulfilment and growth at the pinnacle of our society’s eternal pursuit? If we were, perhaps paradoxically we would indeed find more happiness.
When we continually chase happiness we are destined for a life of disappointment. This eternal chase is a type of toxic positivity that is burrowing deep into our minds and preventing us from pursuing lives worth living. I’m not happy in my relationship so I’ll leave it. I'm not happy as a parent so I’ll drown my sorrows in alcohol and pharmaceuticals. I’m not happy at work so I’ll continuously job hop instead of doing the inner exploration to find out what my soul’s true calling is. Happiness is not a destination, it is a fleeting feeling that punctuates a purposeful life. And we should view it as that. Not relentlessly pursue it as the ultimate attainment.
Happiness is not a destination, it is a fleeting feeling that punctuates a purposeful life. And we should view it as that
I was recently sent an instagram post that summarised the different phases of life and levels of happiness. The conclusion was that life from age 0-25 is pretty happy and carefree, centred on “football, beer, prom and making out”. However once we hit ages 25-45 and begin taking on responsibility and experience the hardships that often go along with ageing and family life, we are the unhappiest. After much contemplation I couldn’t disagree more. I think this assertion points to a cultural narrative that we are perpetuating and thus leaving whole generations of people unprepared for and ‘burdened’ by the responsibilities and challenges that come with parenthood, adulthood, and ageing.
The notion that life from the age of 25-45 becomes hard and unhappy is a sad reflection on our culture. Maybe these years are the hardest, but they should most certainly be the most rewarding. Yes, we are taking on more responsibilities when we have children, care for ageing loved ones, and begin to contemplate with greater veracity our place in the world and what mark we want to make. But to view these things as the source of unhappiness is wrong. Can they be difficult? Of course, in fact it wouldn’t be life if they weren’t.
These should be the years where we experience the most purpose and reward. Not the most sadness. Perhaps we need to reframe our experience in this phase of life away from “This is hard, I’m unhappy” toward “Life is challenging me in ways I didn’t anticipate, but I am grateful for the opportunity to grow.”
If we perpetuate the narrative that as we enter family life ‘goodbye spontaneity and happiness, hello sacrifice and hardship’, guess what? We’re going to feel pretty crappy once we get there. Or worse, we will put it off or avoid it altogether in hope of maintaining the ease and levity of our youth. If our lives as young families are feeling hard and unhappy then we are not adequately preparing ourselves and each other for what the next phase of life actually means. We are placing too much importance on the frivolity of “football, beer, prom and making out” and other associated “freedoms” of our youth.
If we perpetuate the narrative that as we enter family life ‘goodbye spontaneity and happiness, hello sacrifice and hardship’, then guess what? We’re going to feel pretty crappy once we get there.
I have written about the effects of our society’s collective obsession with youth specifically as it relates to women in this post about identity and motherhood. But no one ever told me it extends far beyond this. We will not flourish as a society if we continue to chase the frivolity and “freedom” of youth over the purpose, growth, challenges and personal discovery that comes only as a result of hardship. Furthermore, if we aren’t supporting one another and preparing our communities for the passage of time and entrance into each new life phase, we will continue to see young adults entering into their prime years, as far as productivity and child bearing is concerned, feeling anxious, depressed and an overarching sense of unhappiness.
We will not flourish as a society if we continue to chase the frivolity and “freedom” of youth over the purpose, growth, challenges and personal discovery that comes only as a result of hardship.
We should be fortifying our youth, preparing them for their hero’s journey into the darkness of adulthood. Eager to uncover the wisdom, knowledge, and strength as they progress. We should be arming our society with the mental fortitude and community support to know that the lives we are living are worthwhile. That we have chosen this path, and that the Universe, God, Source or whatever language you decide to use for the higher powers that be, will never give you more than you can handle. That you are receiving each and every challenge and hardship because deep within you lies the answer and the solution. Solutions that you yourself have created, cultivated, and subconsciously constructed for exactly these moments in life. How could we ever look upon such a journey with overarching sadness?
There is so much to be gained from the experiences that mark the life of a 25-45 year old, and so little of value that is lost.
But no one ever told me to view my life this way.