No one ever told me identity isn’t lost in motherhood, but expanded.

“I forgot who I was.” 

“One day you will find the pre-baby you again, she is still there.” 

“New mothers need time to themselves to remember who they were before the chaos of becoming a parent.” 

Phrases like this are everywhere. As mothers we are inundated with this sentiment through podcast interviews, news articles, TV shows and movies; mums stating that they have lost their identity and forgotten who they were pre-baby.

Evidently this is a common experience for many women of my generation. And while speaking about loss of identity helps many of us feel less alone during such a vulnerable time, it still saddens me. I am saddened that so many women feel loss, rather than the expansion that comes through the rite of passage of birth and motherhood. It makes me question if we’re adequately preparing each other (because it should be a community effort) for the entrance into motherhood. If we were, perhaps so many of us wouldn’t be caught off guard by how all consuming it can be.

I haven’t experienced a loss of identity since becoming a mum. In fact quite the opposite. That’s not to say I have it all figured out, far from it. Yet even amongst the occasional self doubt and frequent chaos, motherhood has expanded my identity in such a profound way that I’ve felt called to write about it for all of you to read (hi mum!). I’m not doing so because I think everyone should experience motherhood with the same awe and joy that I do. It is hard, gruelling, physically and emotionally draining at times. But my surprise in how much freedom I have found to explore new parts of myself makes me question why we are trying so desperately to hold onto youthful versions of ourselves. It comes at the monumental cost of our own mental health.

Motherhood doesn't have to strip us of our identity. If our identities are tied up with the activities we enjoyed in everyday life pre-babies, then perhaps we haven’t explored ourselves deeply enough. Never is there a more important time than in our youth to heed Socrates’ advice to ‘Know thyself’. If we feel lost because of the superficial things that fall away from life after children enter our worlds then maybe that says something about the value we are placing on youth, over motherhood. As women we have potential that spans far beyond rearing children. Yet irrespective of our life choices, so many of us feel lost as we transition out of our youthful years, and it doesn’t need to be that way.

My surprise in how much freedom I have found to explore new parts of myself makes me question why we are trying so desperately to hold onto youthful versions of ourselves.

I am, still to my core, a similar person to who I was pre-baby. I still get annoyed by and find joy in similar things as I did before. To be honest the things that bring me joy and annoy me have equally expanded. I don’t all of a sudden question what my identity is and why I’m here in this lifetime. That has now become crystal clear to me.

I know this is a biassed view. I don’t have a business to run (although there are long term projects in the works), I have been happy, and privileged, to put my career on pause while I wholly embrace my role as a mother. And that is not everyone’s experience, I understand that. But I do question why so many women feel like they have lost themselves in motherhood, surrendering over their identities never to be found again. Is it because we haven’t been surrounded by enough wise women to exemplify ageing gracefully through to a new phase of life? To show us how to embrace the transition as a positive part of life, not a negative? Are we telling women they should want to maintain their youth, despite the physical and emotional transition that motherhood requires? It’s time we put greater emphasis on supporting women through the portal of motherhood, allowing them to find comfort in shedding a layer of identity to reveal an inner truth and an expanded version of themselves they can now access. In doing so, maybe we can help women to revel in the important role of motherhood so it doesn’t feel like a cursory part of who we are, but the primary. 

It’s time we put greater emphasis on supporting women through the portal of motherhood, allowing them to find comfort in shedding a layer of identity to reveal an inner truth and an expanded version of themselves they can now access.

I recently came across a beautifully written contemplation on motherhood, and our struggle and obsession with youth. The instagram profile @trusting_birth describes that ‘we have an epidemic of mothers trying to be maidens. It is unnatural and a cause of suffering in motherhood. Maidens are revered in our culture while mothers are rejected. This is why most mothers are not making the complete transition from Maiden to Mother… the process from maiden to mother is relevant to every single woman, whether she raises children or not. It is the graduation from the immature feminine to the fully mature wise woman.’

Truer words have never been spoken. The selfie taking, filter laden imagery that defines our online worlds is seeping so deeply into our collective subconscious that we no longer have the knowledge or wisdom of how to transition gracefully and purposefully through life. We have obliterated the rite of passage of motherhood in favour of pain free births and fast returns to work. This results in women who enter into a truly sacred time in life feeling lost, anxious, unprepared and unsupported. No matter how much awareness we bring to the very real and prevalent issues of postpartum anxiety and depression, if women are still feeling lost as a result of birthing life, then we are failing as a society. 

We have obliterated the rite of passage of motherhood in favour of pain free births and fast returns to work.

We are so hesitant to enter our mother and wise woman era, so negative and critical of leaving our youth behind both physically and emotionally, that we begin to struggle with the passage of time and entrance into new life stages. We’re then left with a generation of women who struggle with their identity as mothers, and who feel ‘trapped’ or ‘burdened’ by the everyday responsibilities that come along with it. 

No one ever told me there is far more to be gained through the journey into motherhood than lost. That we need to start (or begin again) getting women excited and prepared for the transformation that happens, the shedding of a layer of youth to reveal greater capability, growth, wisdom, intuition, and capacity for love. 

It’s time we end the epidemic, as @trusting_birth so aptly describes, of society's obsession with young maidens. I don’t have the answers for how to do so yet, but hopefully voicing my inner thoughts on this is a step in the right direction. 

No one ever told me it would be easy to change a culture, but when was anything worthwhile easy?